Tales From the Freezer II: Fluffy!
by Cleopatra Antoinette
Summary: “I can’t believe you don’t like this adorable little thing,” cooed Bree, placing the creature in her lap. “You wouldn’t love them either if it’s older relatives had ripped the skin off your back. Permanently.”
1. Chapter 1

Okay, since this seems to be a popular series (maybe I should make t-shirts!) I'd like to make the following recomendation to everyone: Please, if you want to read the next installment, put these stories on Story Alert. That way when I put the Preview up, you'll known when to go read the next one. It'll make it easier on everyone.

I do not own Hellboy. If I did, there'd be changes.

There's no real point to this fic. I felt like making it funny, so there you have it. Also I added something in that might get the group a little closer together... kinda... sorta... not really... I'd also like to apologize for this taking so long. But as a College Freshchick, I have my priorities. And one of them is to not get expelled because of lack of good grades. SO. There you go. Enjoy it please!

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Tales From The Freezer, Episode II

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Manly Men

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There is a game that is played by many a mortal. It is a game that has been around for many centuries. It was a sport created by men for men. It is played by only the manliest men, because it is a manly man's game which you cannot play if you are not a manly man because you must be a very manly man in order to understand the manliness that is required to play. It requires using the strength that only a manly man has to hit a small projectile ball and send in careening into the air with manly speeds, and it must manage to fall into a teeny-weeny hole which can only be accomplished with the mind of a true man. Indeed, this manly man's sport is not for the faint of heart or arm. This is why it is a sport for only manly men, for if you are not a manly man and you try to play it, then you fail. Epically. Because it is a manly man's came.

The name of this manly men's game for only manly men is… golf.

And, according to Nuada, it was also the most ridiculous pastime that he had ever heard of in his entire life. It was a perfect example as to why humans needed to be subdued, because they weren't even intelligent enough to find a good game for themselves. And John Myers loved it, and insisted on teaching it to the skeptical prince.

John took him to another huge empty room that he had somehow converted into a golf course, complete with fake grass and with the air systems adding fake air currents. "How in the name of Odin's Eye did you manage to make all this?"

"Well, it took my life's savings and about four months working eight hours every day to put it all together, but I can't really think of anything else that I'd have done with the money." John carefully aimed and practiced swinging his golf club. "Besides, it's the only thing I can do that the girls won't do too."

Nuada watched as the tiny ball was sent hurtling over the plastic greenery. "I can't say that I'm surprised at that."

"What?" John took another ball out. "You're not surprised that I built it?"

"No, I'm not surprised that the girls have no interest in this sport."

John sent Nuada a dirt look. "Fine then. What did you play, Sir Jerk-a-lot?"

Nuada yawned. "We fought hand to hand combat with Trolls."

"That was your idea of _fun_?"

"Oh, no, that was what we did for mindless entertainment. Sort of what this game, golf, is like."

John mumbled something under his breath and pulled another golf ball out. Nuada waited in the golf cart that John had insisted on buying a week before. It had interested Nuada when it came and made him ask what it was for. Now Nuada wanted to blow it up. John started to swing, then turned suddenly to Nuada. "Okay then, what do you do for fun?"

"We played Time Dragons." Nuada smiled at the recollection. The humans at the base discovered that Nuada tended to smile whenever they asked about his childhood. They guessed it must have been good. "It was a game used with magic. We would play in an empty courtyard that had square tiles for a floor. The rules with the tiles was the larger they were, the easier the game would be."

"So how'd you play?" John whacked the ball across the field.

"Using magic, the Timer, who played as sort of score keeper and goalie and rule person- what's the word for that?"

"Referee?

"Yes, referee. Well, the Timer would act as Iltunira, God of Time, and would make sure the game was played according to the rules, etc. So the plot of the game was basic. A Dragon of Chaos escapes from the Realm and proceeds to travel through time taking pieces of history with him. The players begin at one side of the 'board' and have to get to the other side to win, and they do that by proceeding along the squares and filling in the gaps in history."

"How the heck did they do that- FORE!"

"Stop yelling. Once you stepped on the first square the magic would kick in and you'd find yourself in the disrupted time period. You'd have to tell the Timer exactly what happened. If you answered correctly then you would progress to the next square, and at the last square, you'd have to answer one final question asked by the Dragon. If you got it correct, you'd win the game. If you didn't answer correctly, you'd have to either stay at that square, or if you were playing the Elstiteir version, you'd be out of the game. Getting Out would result in some sort of penalty, occasionally death."

"Cool."

"Not just cool. It was also a way of justice, because it is a game of truth. If you were convicted of a crime then you would be permitted to play the game, and you'd have to tell the Keeper exactly what happened. If you lied, you died. If you didn't and were honest the whole time, then you would ultimately defeat the Dragon of Injustice with your honesty, and you would go free. Or face whatever punishment they felt you deserved."

"Wow." John was leaning on his club staring at Nuada. "That sounds like a fun game. Can you play it anywhere?"

Nuada seemed to wake up from his inner thoughts. "Wha… You could if you had square tiles. But we can't play. I can't use magic and besides-" he glared disdainfully at John "it's a Fae game."

"Whatever." John angrily hit another ball. They were both silent for a moment. "Hey… wanna learn how to play golf? It's not a racist game, unlike SOME that I COULD mention, but won't." So saying John pulled moved to hit the ball. Unfortunately, his equipment wasn't up to the normal standards. As he swung, the grip came off his nine iron and the club went flying though the air and hit a pipe on the wall, bending it. The two of them stood still for a moment. The lights flickered. Then they went out.

There was complete darkness. Then Nuada's voice was heard. "No, John Thaddeus Myers. I do not want to learn to play golf. EVER."

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"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!"

John cringed as Bree approached him with a very unhappy look on her face. "How many time have I told you to stay away from the pipes! How many friggen candles do you think we HAVE?!"

The guy under scrutiny glanced around. "Ummm… enough to make us able to see in here?" He pointed all around the Den. There were indeed several hundred candles all over the place. They were sitting on plates, candlesticks, old glasses, and Nuada was playing the melted liquid. Alison kept running around searching for matches.

The brunette opened up a drawer in the coffee table. "Nope…"

Bree paid no attention to her cousin. "How many times have I told you to STOP PLAYING GOLF?!"

John sighed. "About as many times as I've told you that I'm going to keep playing it."

"Are you nuts? This is the fourth time this has happened! We can't keep going outside and inside and all around looking for ways to fix the wiring-"

"Dang it!" They all looked at Alison who was glaring at an open closet door. "I can't find them here."

"Hey! I was chewing him out! Do you mind! Stop interrupting." Bree went back to John. "Now then… where was I?"

"Wiring," replied Nuada, wishing she would stop screeching. He was letting the wax drip off his fingers into a design he was creating. Alison left the room, presumably to look for more matches.

"Oh, right thanks. We can't keep fixing the wiring every time you bust a pipe that has the most sensitive of the wires in it!"

"It isn't my fault that this place is put together so badly! I mean seriously, who the hell puts wiring for lights in _pipes_?"

"I don't know! All I know is that you screwed it up! AGAIN! And now you have to go out into the freezing cold-"

"Wait, what?"

"Don't interrupt! _Rude_. As I was saying now you have to go outside and fix the wires."

"You have got to be nuts! I am not going out there! It's _freezing_!"

"And I don't care! You're going out there if I have to drug you and lock the doors!"

Nuada stood up. "For the love of Thoth! _I'll_ do if you won't!"

The two humans looked at him. John said "I thought you could see in the dark." Nuada stared at him until John's face turned red and he mumbled "Nevermind."

The elf prince sighed. "Just tell me where to go and I'll fix it."

"Oh no you don't." Bree moved between John and Nuada. "Look, Princey, if you wanna go out there you be my guest. But he's going too. He messed it up, so he can fix."

"For God's- Fine! I'll go do it!" John stood up in a fury. "Lemme go get my parka."

Alison ran into the room with a triumphant look on her face with a box of matches in one hand and a flamethrower in the other. "I found 'em!"

"What in the hell are you doing with that flamethrower?!" yelled Bree.

"Well, I figured if I couldn't find the matches, then we should have a backup plan."

"Oh, right, we'll just light this little candle with a flamethrower. Maybe if we set the couch on fire, we can somehow manage to pull it apart and light the whole place up!"

Alison stood there with a pouting look on her face. "I think you're mean," she said to her cousin.

Nuada threw his hands up. "That's it!" He grabbed John and Alison by their ears. "We're all going." He turned to Bree. "You stay here and make sure it's all working."

Before Bree could answer, the three of them were gone. But she heard Nuada shout "Put that stupid fire-maker away!" as they went walking down the halls.

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"I can't believe I have to do this."

"Stop complaining and hurry up, human."

They were standing outside in the snow. John and Alison were wearing parkas, goggles, and other protective gear. Nuada wore nothing other than his normal garb, since it took him a long time to begin to feel the cold. John was crouching in the snow, doing something with a circuit box. It was carefully hidden behind the very walls of the Freezer itself. In order to reveal it, they had to type a special password into the main computer inside which had then opened a compartment which contained a remote that made the protective walls covering the box move back.

It was overly complicated and nothing less than a hassle, but what could they do? The three humans figured it all out in their first few months at the Freezer. After that it got aggravating.

There was no wind that day. A good thing since it was cold enough as it was. Alison was making a snow angel, Nuada was standing there trying to look like he was doing something (he wasn't fooling anyone) and John was muttering to himself. It was like this for a while until John was about to finish. Then Bree's voice came over the communicator.

_Guys, we have an issue._

"No kidding," said Nuada. "More than just one though."

_There's something coming towards you. It might be that pack of polar bears again._

John sighed. "For the last time, Bree, there are no polar bears in the Antarctic."

_"Fine then. Those big fluffy white things with the long nasty teeth and the really mean claws are coming your way. I don't think it's too happy."_

John stopped moving. "How many are there?"

_"Ummmm… I think one."_

"One too many. So long." And with that, John jumped inside the doorway to the base.

Nuada glared after him. "What's his problem?"

Alison shrugged. "He once went outside and got surrounded by them. They did a nasty job on his back."

She began to make a snowman. "After that, he took my big stuffed teddy bear, a big white one, and he burned it. Which kind of sucked, because after he was hurt and couldn't move, I'd bring it into his room and stuff it in his face and he's scream and couldn't do anything because, yeah, he couldn't move."

Nuada had a particularly odd look on his face. It was a mix between disgust, horror, a slight dash of fear, and some very begrudging respect. "Why did you do it?"

"…Why not? He was mean to me the day before. If I'm going to get revenge, it might as well be when they can't do anything to you."

The prince's eye twitched. He could handle the fact that she could think like him. "Why not indeed."

The girl stood up and brushed herself off. "Hand me my flamethrower, would you?"

"After what you just told me, absolutely not."

"Oh, come on!"

El Solo Hombre Del Freezer (as Bree called him) poked his head out of the doorway. "Don't give it to her, Nuada! She'll probably end up setting the whole place on fire!"

"Oh you're a fine one to talk!" snapped Alison. "Don't make me bring up the time you set fireworks in the base on the fourth of July!"

"I was drunk!"

"Fine excuse that is!"

"I don't need to hear this from you, Miss Technically-A-Virgin!"

"Those were rumors! Lies! Shameless lies!"

"Oh yeah? That's not was Brent said!"

"You- Brent would say he slept with Mother Teresa if he thought it'd impress people!"

"True, but what about Derek?"

"Derek is GAY!!"

"What? No he isn't!"

"For God's sake, John, he put rhinestones on his wallet!"

"Mark then!"

"Mark… Okay, I'll give you that one. But I never had sex with him!"

"Only the oral kind."

"SO NOT TRUE!"

"And his brother! You're a regular Marilyn Monroe!"

"Oh yeah?! Well at least I've _got_ experience! You couldn't get a blind girl to go out with you!"

"Denise wasn't over her ex yet!"

"Oh is _that _what she told you?"

"Look you-"

Nuada appeared with his arms full of a white fluffy fuzz-ball. "Found it."

John screamed. Alison screamed after John did. The white fluffy fuzz-ball gave a strange whimper-cry and tried to bury its head under Nada's arms. Nuada petted it and murmured something to it. Alison, having gotten over the shock walked up to the prince. "What… what is it?"

Nuada kept stroking it. "Something akin to what you humans call the yeti. This one is a baby. I saw it's mother's body over there."

"When did you leave?"

"As soon as I heard the male speak."

"The male has a name, buster!" John called from behind the doors.

"Yeah, it's Coward," laughed Alison.

"Your name rhymes with smut!"

The creature turned to look at Alison. It looked like a sloth, except with more fur, big black eyes, and two legs and two arms, all with claws. It reached out to Alison curiously, who put her finger in it's paw. It gurgled and she giggled.

And then it bit her. John cracked up laughing and went to go finish fixing the lighting.

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"I want to name it Fluffy."

"Don't be more stupid than you are, human."

Bree stuck her tongue out at the fae. The yeti chewed on a ball of metal that Nuada had made for him, saying that it was a baby and was teething. This did nothing to assure Alison, who was sitting with John on the other side of the room staring at the baby. She had a bandage on her hand, and it was stained red.

"I can't believe you don't like this adorable little thing," cooed Bree, placing the creature in her lap.

"You wouldn't love them either if it's older relatives had ripped the skin off your back. Permanently." John picked up a book and pretended to read it.

"It's not that I don't like it…" Alison began "It's just that I don't like his teething."

"I still want to name him Fluffy."

"No, Puck!" said Alison.

Nuada made a face. "Puck is irritating. I like Aedamius."

John put the book down. "We aren't naming it because we aren't keeping it."

"Don't be an idiot, human. We're keeping him. Deal with it." Nuada took the baby back from Bree and played with it's paws.

"Okay fine, not Fluffy. Precious!"

"Do you want me to gag you with your own intestines, woman?"

"You're bluffing. Can't hurt me."

"I'll find a way if you name this creature Precious."

"Felix," Alison said brightly. "Let's name him Felix."

Nuada stared at her. Then stared at the baby. "Cillian."

Bree crossed her arms. "I want-"

"Nobody cares." Nuada smiled at Cillian. "His name is Cillian."

"His name should be Imminent Death, that's what it should be," muttered John. "As soon as it gets hungry, it'll come straight for us."

"All part of my plan of escape," the prince grinned diabolically.

Alison laughed. "That's silly. You don't have an escape plan. You wouldn't have us eaten… Would you?"

"Are you hungry, little Cillian?"

"Okay, now the prince is scaring me."

"When doesn't he scare you, Bree?"

"Shut up, Slave. Nobody loves you."

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Well, I hope you liked it. I tried to make it funny, but I may have overdone it. Let me know. With REVIEWS!! YAY!!


	2. Preview

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_Cleopatra Antoinette_

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_Proudly Presents_

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**Tales From the Freezer III: Of Holidays and Boxes**

In which Nuada realizes that perhaps his human compatriots have done more for him than he suspected, and also in which Bree decides to become scary.


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